


‘A Cupcake Conundrum’- A Secret Santa Fic

by Pkducklett



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-13
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-05-05 23:30:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14629299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pkducklett/pseuds/Pkducklett
Summary: Medic is obsessed with trying to make healing cupcakes, Sniper is roped in as a lab assistant because the rest of the mercenaries are scared of what the doctor has in store.





	‘A Cupcake Conundrum’- A Secret Santa Fic

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted to tumblr on Jan. 15, 2018, this fic was written as part of the Team Fortress Secret Santa exchange. Please excuse any inaccuracies, as this was my first attempt at writing these characters. Also this story is meant to be set in the early days of the team.

Every couple months, the base would be filled with the same aroma. It was during that time period, usually a week or so, where every merc knew to avoid one specific location. You see, the German doctor had a theory. A theory that if proven correct could change how medical professionals treated patients, with food. Not just any food, but sweets. 

It came in bursts, like most of his obsessions, so it lay dormant for a while until the doctor would begin his ‘tests’ again. This time would be more tolerable if; one, he didn’t transform his lab into, as he called it, an experimental bakery complete with ~~crematoriums~~ ovens; two, he didn’t fill the whole base with the smell of burning cupcakes ~~and flesh~~ ; three, if he didn’t insist every merc who stepped into his ‘experimental bakery’ to become his personal taste testers; and lastly, if he didn’t spike every cupcake with god only knows what he found. Scout was last season’s cupcake victim, and had to be sent through respawn _twice_ just to get it out of his system. 

The door to Medic’s lab was shut, but just passing it one could hear the constant sound of the German doctor cooking up another batch or cursing as one batch did not turn out as he hoped. The noise itself would’ve been enough to make most men demand the project’s ceasing, but it was the smell that made it all the worse. The fact that it smelled so tempting, yet too risky about drove everyone mad. Someone would crack soon, break the unspoken rule, and dare to confront not just the doctor but his creations. That someone just so happened to be Sniper. 

He didn’t intend on it, no. Medic’s lab was not a place Sniper fancied himself spending time in, even when it wasn’t filled with the smell of burning cake mix. It just so happened that one day, he found himself standing at the door. He wasn’t sure how much time he stood there just listening in to the chaos inside, nor did it truly register was he was actually hearing. He wasn’t sure what possessed him to turn the door handle and enter, what curiosity drove him to certain madness as to find out exactly what his teammate was up to. 

To say the laboratory was a mess would be an understatement. Medic had lined every inch of what little counter space with cookbooks, mixing bowls, muffin pans, measuring cups, spoons, whisks, bags of flour and other ingredients. One could not step on the floor without stepping on some kind of failed batch, or drops of freshly prepared batter, or god only knows what honestly. In the center of the disaster stood Medic, who seemed unphased by the state of his work space and hummed cheerfully as he mixed up a new batch of cake batter with his ever watchful doves staring intently at him. 

“Archimedes, no.” he scolded as one dove landed on the bowl “I told you this is not for little nosy birdies, this is for the team. It’s people food.” The dove gave a protesting coo, and flew off the bowl. It fluttered before perching on Sniper, no doubt looking for sympathy from its unfair master. This was the first inclination that Medic had that anyone had entered, and the first inclination Sniper had to his mistake. 

“Sorry mate, didn’t mean to disturb.” He was already beginning to back up towards the door. “I’ll be leaving if ya want me too.”

Medic’s response to simply smile and dust off the apron he had over his lab coat. “Not at all, I was hoping I could have an extra set of hands as a lab assistant.” Before Sniper could protest, he was being handed an apron and given instructions on what to grab as Medic returned back to mixing. “I’m certain I’m close to a break through here.” he continued.

“Really?” Sniper said, holding the apron in one hand and bending to pick up what looked like the last clean muffin pan left in the whole country with the other.

“Ja. If I’m correct, I will have made a sufficient substitute for my own medigun as a portable, convenient med pack.”

“As… cupcakes?”

“Vhy not?” 

Sniper didn’t respond, just handed the doctor the muffin pan and stood back. Medic gave a quick thanks and began pouring the cake batter in each one of the six indents. Then, to the Australian’s surprise, he pulled a small vial from his lab coat. The contents were a reddish color, and seemed to glow in the white overhead light. 

“Doc, what the actual _hell_ is that?”

“Vell, what do you think actually heals you?” the German scoffed, dropping precisely three drops in each of the freshly poured cupcakes. He turned, facing the clearly shaken Sniper. He simply stepped aside, and walked over to his converted oven. “If you must know, it came from this.” He fished in his lab coat and pulled out a small white canister with a red cross printed on it. Sniper recognized it as coming from the pack the doctor carried around in battle. 

“Wait, you’re feeding us the same chemicals ya use to power your gun?”

“Precisely, I just need to get the dosage right. Four is too much, Scout was kind enough to prove that. I think three will be better.”

“Is that even safe?” 

Medic shrugged, taking off his apron and leaning up against the counter. “It hasn’t killed anyone yet.”

Sniper rubbed his face with his hands, the doctor was giving him a headache. “But why?”

“Because why not, mein freund? If I can prove that I can do it, why shouldn’t I?” he smiled widely, something that did nothing to comfort Sniper. “Besides, I can’t be everywhere at once, it’s worth it if I can keep a few alive for a bit longer while I go back and forth.”

“So it’s not just for your sick kicks?”

“Sick kicks? No!” the doctor was clearly offended at the accusation. “Everything I do in this lab has a purpose for the team, always.”

Sniper raised his eyebrow, deciding to not argue with the man and is unique way of showing support for the team. Not that his support was that ‘hands-on’, he admitted. In fact of the three men in the classified ‘support squad’, Medic was almost required to be the most involved with his own team.

“How’s the weather outside?” Medic’s question shocked Sniper out of his thoughts.

“Sorry what?” 

“Weather? Still hot as hell? Though I suppose I’m a terrible judge of that, Germany is much colder, and wetter than-”

“Are you trying to make small talk?” Sniper interrupted the doctor’s rambling.

Medic shrugged. “We’re just standing around. I mean, most of my lab assistants leave before I have a chance to test on them, but you haven’t yet. I don’t know what to exactly talk about.”

Before Sniper could respond, the converted oven beeped. In a flash, the German doctor retied his apron, equipped oven mitts, and retrieved his prize from the blaze. He placed them on the counter, and began tests to ensure that they were truly complete, shooing a greedy bird or two away in the process. After several seconds, he stepped back. 

“Now, for the ultimate test. Sniper would you do the honor?” Medic gestured to one of the cupcakes outside of the pan.

Sniper looked down at it. Golden brown, acceptable color and not burnt. It didn’t necessary smell poisonous. He shrugged, figuring that he was in too deep already to not at least try it. He scooped some of the cupcake with his fingers and popped in his mouth. The effect was almost immediate. The healing effect was clearly present, but much much stronger than it should be. The world spun and Sniper had to grip the counter top to not fall over. For a moment, everything went black, until he felt a warming sensation spread over him and his vision returned to normal. He turned slightly, seeing a sheepish Medic holding his medigun. 

“Perhaps three drops is still too much.” 

Sniper nodded. “I think two is your lucky number mate. How ‘bout I get you a fresh pan from the kitchen and we can test that out?” 

Medic clapped his hands together “Of course, yes, let me see if I need you to get some ingredients as well.” 

Sniper watched the doctor take inventory, bustling from one end of the lab to the other grabbing everything from eggs to flour from cupboards that Sniper swore were suppose to be used for surgical equipment but who cares about that. 

After receiving his list, Sniper retreated from the lab. Once in the hall, he sighed. It wasn’t exactly how he planned spending his night off, but maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. At the very least, he figured he could be a much better test subject than most of the mercs. And besides, he was getting paid in cupcakes, it could be much worse.


End file.
